Pride and Predators: Masturbating your way to the top
This Halloween will be marked by more than psycho clowns, and masked men wielding machetes, as Hollywood’s scariest films get pushed aside by the one thing more terrifying than the mass murderers we invite into our homes on Friday movie night, and that is… the men who produce them.
Weinstein Company founder, Harvey Weinstein, has been officially X’d out of his role at one of Hollywood’s largest production companies as dozens of women have come forward to accuse the company fondler of sexual assault and misconduct. Ranging from unwanted groping and kissing, to breaking and entering into a hotel room and masturbating like a chimpanzee who has lost it’s sense of dignity after decades of captivity.
But Weinstein’s fall from fame won’t leave him alone. He will certainly have company as the rest of us try to wade our way through the sexual assaults we can forgive to the ones TV teaches us are somehow unforgivable.
Weinstein will join the ranks of Bill Cosby’s bottomless happy hour, Bill O’Reilly’s family values, Anthony Weiner’s wiener, and even the famous kid’s TV network, Nickelodeon, with the likes of former creator, Chris Savino. Weinstein even stands alongside celebrity chef John Besh, and former ABC News political director, Mark Halperin.
So in the spirit of Halloween, we have come up with a list of Weinstein Company movies that can be remade into Horror Films at minimal cost, whilst embracing their understanding of the shitstorm in their midst.
Weinstein will, however, not be fortunate enough to have the company of some. There is one office that seems to be untouchable for the über touchy and that’s the Oval Office.
Yes, we all know our president loves to walk in on women’s changing rooms, grab the occasional unwilling pussy, but many may not know that former President George H.W. Bush has recently been accused of being a creepy old man as well. Multiple women have come forward with surprisingly similar stories in which H.W. would grab women during photo ops using clever lines such as “Do you want to know who my favorite magician is? David Cop-a-Feel!”
But why should we expect anything less when we live in a society where a white woman earns 75% of her male counterpart, and a hispanic woman on average earns 55% of that. But who cares as long as we can still call Amy Schumer a loose whore every time she makes a joke about banging a bro she met in a bar. Yes, we are all super progressive when it comes to sexual assaulters who have been accused of their transgressions dozens of times, but we likely are unmoved by the inequality that pervades in our daily lives.
Even then, our class knows no limits in a society where it’s popular to say you respect women, and yet not bat an eye to vote for the position of Commander in Chief an overwhelmingly disgusting individual who is likely more impotent than incontinent, and yet more disturbing, likely both.
These A-holes are slowly getting their due. These issues were all-but-ignored 50 years ago. But there is hope for the aspiring sexual assaulter. Because while sexual assault on college campuses, in the military or office setting remains a serious issue that is vastly ignored, a piece of human excrement wanting to be the next Harvey Weinstein by masturbating his way to the top can be rest assured that as long as society pretends to care, but doesn’t really care about equality among the sexes, then sexual assault will remain as elusive as Donald Trump’s tax returns.
Music by Lee Rosevere, Evil Bear Boris and Ari de Niro via the Free Music Archive and show image via Flickr by Adrian Mustredo under Creative Commons licensing.
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